…I'm as nowhere as I can be,

Could you add some somewhere to me?


                  -The Avett Brothers, Salina.

And I realize I am just chasing a ghost...

I too feel this way a lot

Well I've been lockin' myself up in my house for sometime now

Readin' and writin' and readin' and thinkin' and searching for reasons and missing the seasons.

The Autumn, the Spring, the Summer, the snow.

The record will stop and the record will go.

Latches latched the windows down, the dog coming in and the dog going out.

Up with caffeine and down with a shot.

Constantly worried about what I've got.

Distracting my work but I can't make a stop and my confidence on and my confidence off.

And I sink to the bottom and rise to the top and I think to myself that I do this a lot.

World outside just goes it goes it goes it goes it goes it goes...

and witness it all from the blinds of my window.

                                                      -The Avett Brothers, Talk on Indolence.

Mad Girl's Love Song

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

Increasing plastic garbages - Have you been to SundariJal Lately?

Pity couldn't take better pictures.

Back in 2007 when I hiked to Sundarijal, all I could explore was the vast nature at its best. However last weekend all my enthusiasm and expectations hit a new low after seeing the rapid pollution increment as a result of increasing tourism in the area.

Sundarjal being one of the weekend hotspot nearest to the Kathmandu valley attracts massive crowd for various recreational activities like hiking, picnic, camping, etc. And last weekend like many of our fellow hikers we approached the uphill trails to Sundarijal (Shivapuri National Park) to participate in some recreational activity until we became part of this overwhelming crowd completely taking us totally off guard as we were not expecting such huge crowd compared to the handful of people who used to crawl to this beautiful little village all the way from Kathmandu to enjoy “chyang and sukuti “.

Although the increasing number of tourists can be taken as the positive aspect of tourism development in the area, sadly the deteriorating environment doesn’t seem worth welcoming people who cannot and doesn’t want to respect the nature. Despite the numbers of rubbish pits being placed all over the area the plastic covers & bags can be found scattered just about everywhere within and outside the National Park area. Moreover what was the most alarming thing was the drying river! Now I am not sure if it’s supposed to be like that during this time of year or not but the lack of water in the river compared to what I had seen back in 2007 (a clear water river flowing with high current) was simply daunting. The river was almost non existent compared to what it once used to be! And as we explored the nooks and crannies of the drying river, we could find plastic bags/covers and bottles scattered almost everywhere.

Whether we blame it on to the reckless people who cannot even manage to drop those litters in the nearby rubbish pits or the administration of the National Park which has not effectively implemented rules/regulations to control such imprudence, but the bottom line is the whole place is turning into a dumping site. If not taken proper actions to control the situation soon Sunadrijal will be deserted with nothing but heaps of trash.
After seeing such heartwrenching state of what once used to be the eptomime of natural beauty makes me realize how irresponsibly we “the humans” can act? In spite of the fact that we are taught in the school/home since early age that we should keep our surroundings (environment) clean yet we ignore them and hesitate to participate in activities that can lessen the pollution around us.

I mean how hard can it be to collect the garbage and dump it in the pit? 

Keeping an eye on every visitor is not an easy task, however if we keep an eye on ourselves and people around us by not dumping the wastages everywhere and anywhere convenient then we surely will be able to make a huge difference. So next time be it mineral water bottle or the small tissue paper you use to wipe your face make sure not to throw it “kuna ma”.  Carry them with you until you find rubbish pit. After all the weight of small amount of wastes is far easier to carry than the weight of effects of the pollution that it might generate eventually.

If you can not appreciate somebody's effort then the least you can do for them is not complain.

For Peace & Prosperity

Is it just Nepal or the whole world going through the phase, “civilization in reverse”? After years of struggle to overcome the deep rooted racism within our society it seems like we are almost back to the square one!

 

Demanding federal Nepal is one thing but demanding ethnicity-based federal Nepal is totally absurd.

Now I am not an expert on the whole ethnicity-based federal Nepal concept but in my opinion this reason alone should clarify why it is not a good idea to go ahead with. Our leaders/parties should understand that the idea is not wise enough in the current situation because there are still thousands of people in our country who are unaware or ignorant about the true motive behind the ethnic based state division. More importantly these people need to understand that there are still so many people in our country who strongly support discrimination based on caste system. Hence to create states divided in terms of ethnicity in a country where people are still not liberal enough to respect each other regardless of their caste and social status is not only a huge mistake but a suicidal gesture.  

Little knowledge is dangerous therefore unless the whole country doesn’t understand the full concept of equality regardless of caste and ethnicity; it will be utter foolishness to shove the decorated palate of ethnically divided states on their table. It is a matter of simple common sense and willingness towards the longevity of peace among the people to avoid such horrendous error which will definitely expose us to the landmines of dispute. All one has to do is think about the impact on the whole county when people will start using their ethnicity majority to dominate the minority people of other ethnicity. All the ethnic tolerance we brag about will drown in the chaos of conflict among people for more power and superiority. And the sad thing is the pride of calling our country char jaat chattis barna ko sajha phulbari might dissolve in the polluted swamp of greed (power and corruption).

These days most of us are wondering who actually initiated this mayhem! We even dwell on the thoughts such as whether it all started as a shortsighted plan of some political leader/party or is it some cruel hidden agenda to break this country into pieces?  Many of us discuss all these issues now and then and most of us do not have any idea regarding the purpose of this chaos and the people behind it. Moreover it also makes us wonder if it’s our ignorance or irresponsibility that has led us to this day. The laidback-ness within each of us and the obsession to leave this country for good or bad must have blinded us so much that we forget to participate in our simple duties like voting and choosing the appropriate leaders. Furthermore most of us do not even know exactly what is happening in this country! Maybe it’s totally our fault or maybe no body ever cared enough to carefully justify the need of ethnically divided states. But the truth is this whole idea is still alien to most of us. 

Well, for instance let’s forget the aftermaths and focus on the current situation of our country. Only few days back, there was this news blaring on the TV, the general secretary of the NEFIN, Ang Kaji Sherpa claimed media was biased and shouted on top of his voice that they will not spare “Bahun” journalists who are trying to hinder their bandha programme! Whatever the situation be, discriminating people over the national television is totally irresponsible and unacceptable, and in fact a crime. 

Now some people might think than am targeting the Sherpa Community and take this as an attack or insult but the thing is I am only mentioning what I saw and what my opinions are. Had it been any other people from any other ethnicity the reaction would have been the same. 

The bottom-line is be it state or be it any other sector, dividing them should never be based on the ethnicity/social status. Sooner or later the volcano of conflict will surely erupt destroying the whole country.

Change is good. But it is necessary that the change lead us to better outcome, fewer conflicts and peace. The indefinite bandhas and todfod is an easy way to convince government to agree with the absurd demands but if we rationally think about these self inflicted and self harming actions of ours then it will definitely make us realize that we are living up to the idiom ” afnu khutta ma afaile banchoro hannu.”

No matter what, all we want is peace and development in this country. And the only way to achieve our goal is by living in perfect harmony, learn to overlook the ethnicity, religion, social status and even the sexual preferences. Respect people regardless of what they are, where they belong and what lifestyle they choose to live. Nepal will move ahead only when we start believing in unity. For the sake of whole country let’s forget the differences and unite as one. And hell, this is not hard for us, we have lived with this culture since the time of our Late King Prithvi Narayan Shah! He united us and encouraged us to live in peace and harmony. This is our history, and we have always been proud of it. So let’s not destroy what we have preserved and believed in for years. 

Hence, if we must divide, then lets divide states in a way which will not only help in the development of the country but which will also helps us maintain peace and harmony. Let’s at least honor those blood and lives that fought for the unity, equality and peace. May our country prosper with peace :).

Never Give Up :)

There are times when I just can’t hold back

And as this pain inside my chest grows sharper

Hopelessness starts pounding its big fists

Knocking down the wall of my patience

Triggering the avalanche of fear in my head to burst

Bringing down the tiny flakes of hopes I had been hanging onto

Squashing all my plans and dreams

And as I struggle to hold on to the bits and pieces

I see them slowly sinking in the deep sea of void

The darkness spreads its wings

To invade me

Helplessly flapping and gaping stretched on the floor

I slowly let my spirit drown

And as I lay waiting for the end

I feel a warm drop of salty water hanging somewhere down my right cheek for its dear life

Making me realize that I am not alone

Not alone to be scared of losing myself in the vastness of the cold nothingness

So like some drowning hero I gently whisper on its ear

Let go my friend for you shall find your way through it

This is not an end

For you shall rise again

And things will be different

But that wont matter and it should not matter

Cherish, rejoice, live, learn

Have no regrets

Cause in this life there will be many ups and downs

Understand you win some and you lose some

But none of that is important

What is important is that for you to be able to find your way back again

And every time you find your way

You shall travel, explore, and see things,

And there will also be times

When you will find happiness that will exceed all your expectations

And your tiny feet shall dance, run and jump

You will appreciate even the bitter memories

Because without them you would never know the value of happiness

And yes you will survive through every odd

And impossible as it may sound but there’s nothing you can’t defeat

Cause if you believe

You can survive anything

Anything and everything

You will always be above it

Some stomped beneath your feet

Some as distant bitter realities

Some treasured happy memories

But you will overcome all the hurdles

Cause you are a warrior, a believer, a dreamer and a survivor

So no matter how dense be the darkness

It can’t keep you from moving ahead

So let go my little friend

There is nothing to fear

And as you leave all your fears behind

You will come across your true strength

And it might surprise you

For you will realize you can take more than you ever knew

You are boundless

No walls, No chains, No Darkness

Can hold you back.

And softly my little friend nods

Hinting me that it’s ready to take the free-fall

And as it takes its leap of faith, it calls out

“Well, then we shall meet again!”

And at that point it hits my head

 That this pain and this darkness are not permanent

And as hopeless as it may seem but this is not the end

It’s just a phase, a phase I can get through

Cause I am a believer, a warrior, a dreamer, and a survivor.

Falling in love is a luxury,
unaffordable dream for poor and needy

A Bad Story

Why? He asked her.
She shrugged and said nothing. She didn't know what to say. She simply didn't have any answers.
Look at me, look me in the eyes, he said.

She didn't understand how could looking at him or into his eyes possibly be helpful but she obeyed him and stared blankly at him.

Reading eyes was never her strong point. She could see nothing but a pair of eyes staring back at her. And at this moment, she felt exactly the same. Looking at him she could feel nothing and she could not understand what he was trying to read through her eyes either.
For all she knew, she could find nothing new in her eyes. She had this pair of eyes with yellowish sclera, that made her look like as if she has been suffering from some disease.

For her, her eyes were simply unreadable. Or, so she thought.

She was tired of this game. Her head was throbbing violently, almost making her pukish. She wanted to be left alone but that was not going to happen anytime soon. She needed to think fast, but she was scared. She wanted it to end but she knew she needed to come up with some answers first. Although she knew she didn't have any, she was trying hard to focus and come up with some answers because the man infront of her needed answers and she knew there was no other way to get out of this situation other than by providing him with his answers.

Why? He kept asking repeatedly. Answer me, he would then plead.
There was a deep pain in his voice but he didn't sound feeble at all. There was a slight hint of anger in his voice but he was trying to sound calm, maybe he didn't want to scare her.

"I, I...."

She didn't know what to say. He moved closer. But she couldn't complete her sentence. His strong body odor made her feel dizzy.

Its just one simple question, why don't you answer me? He roared.
She could now hear the tension in his voice. He punched the cold wall behind her. She shut her eyes tightly and tried not to make any sound.

She wanted to yell at him and tell him she had no answers but she knew that it was not going to help her. Because eventhough it was the only truth, he would still not believe her.

The room grew silent. The uneven sound of their breathing grew louder. She could see him shifting restlessly from one chair to another. He paused and looked at her and opened his mouth to say something but stopped midway.

She knew, she needed to say something. Give him the answers or at least say something comforting. But she didn't know what to say.

Gaby, are you listening to me? His deep voice pierced through her ears pulling her out of her train of thoughts.

Whats wrong? He asked.

She wanted to yell at him, ask him to leave her alone and she didn't have any answers. But she could barely utter a word. She choked on her words and helplessly gasped for more air.

He gave her a sad smile. Helped her drink some water.

You broke my heart, he complained.

But all Gaby could think of was a line from Bones. "Heart is a muscle so it can't
break." And she chuckled.

Hopelessness

Lets paint the mirrors black                
shut out the reflections
cherish the blindness
pretend contentment

Lets not ponder on w/h
ignorance is bliss
evaluation is vain
ethics being long gone

Let go

Your questioning glance                                                 
my guilty conscience
erupting volcanoes of emotions
devour me, i suffocate

why do you throw yourself onto me?
my blistery hands can no longer lift you
I've been onto things that you don't want to know
so drag yourself and move away

Let the darkness spread the wings
and the wilderness conceal all my deeds
here remains only the ruins
of the deserted fortress of a defeated

stop rummaging between the wrecks
let the secrets be hidden beneath
time shall heal all the wounds
and this story will remain untold

Waiting

I have been sitting here looking through my window
waiting for you to show up
Its been a while, and it seems like you don't even care
or maybe its just that you don't even know
that am sitting here by this window
waiting for you...

So many people walking through this lane
some give me a sad smile, some perplexed
few glare with utter disgust,
and few barely care...

Days gone by, so have nights
Months and years, still no sign!

The frosty winter came battering down the window panes
trying to battle the fire within me.
But I survived the cold
reminiscing warm summer breeze and the sweet fragrance in the air,
blooming cherry orchards and us holding each other in our arms!
And when the flowers bloomed and the birds chirruped
I sat near the window smiling to myself
thinking about all those silly things you said to me
And when I felt lonely and wistful
the rain poured in,
pitter pattering on my windowsill
it soaked my face, hid my tears
and washed away the hurt in my heart.

And yes, its been a while, a while indeed
that I 've been sitting here looking through my window
waiting for you to show up

Lets just whine

This is a brand new day
tomorrow of yesterday
yesterday of tomorrow
Its Today.
Its one of those days when I am supposed to make difference in my life
But like always it started with a fight
Me versus my alarm
When I moved my feet to step out of the bed
I cursed at the first gush of the cold wind that passed through my bare legs
As much as I hated to leave my warm cocoon
I ended up giving in anyway.
Brushing my teeth in half sleeping half awake mode
I slipped my brush and scratched my gums leaving it sore
Damn! I cried
And thought
Oh, well
Heres the start of another shitty day yet again!
I need to be positive
Spread the positivity around me
so when I looked in the mirror to wash my face
I grinned at my own reflection,
Swear to god that was meaning less.
My mom, like everybody else's mom/wife/husband or everybody's somebody
yelled on top of her voice, "Have you eaten your breakfast yet?"
I muttered, "Screw the breakfast Mom I am already running late."
Rush, the street is full of rush
Men and women flooding the streets
I can smell some hidden agenda behind their rush
But who cares?
My boss is pissed,
maybe his wife demanded new jewelry or something else
or maybe he found out she is having an affair
well thats their business
but unlike me he has decided to bring it to the work anyway
so 1st thing he does is respond to my Good Morning
by shouting at me, " Is this your Mamaghar?"
Inside me theres a volcano ready to erupt
but I politely apolozise for my unknown error
And walk towards my cubicle in the corner
The place where I make all the dreams come true
well not exactly...
I look at my pending files
it drives me insane
I wonder, "What am i doing here?"
Is this what I really want?
A voice within replies, " What you want is not important, the paycheck is."
Hell it is, I say.
Unwillingly I start to work
In my head although I keep thinking
only if I could change my job, only if i could do what I really want.
When suddenly, my supervisor's shrill voice barge in
Is this what you call working?
Confused and irritated I try not to roll my eyes at him
I mean, I know he is my supervisor and all
but hey, I know my job
Is it really necessary to keep barging in like that?
But I guess he needs to show off
so he will keep doing that anyway
So never mind him, he is an arse, I say
Guess, the only way to console myself....

Some Love

I don't know why I wrote this but I wrote it and thought to myself, maybe I should share it ;P

I drink from your eyes
and I live by the mercy of your grace
I thrive with your beauty
Your innocence enrich my desires
I dance to the rythm of your bosom
when you breathe in and breathe out

Dreams

I have been reading some beautiful poetry and I came across this short yet powerful poem by Langston Hughes.
Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow. 

Unexpected yet awesome!

So it all started with an unexpected plan for the New Year’s celebrations! Me and my best friends planning to spend some time together away from the hustle and bustle of this crazy K-town.  

Undecided destination and shortage of vehicles at the starting of the trip was a bit frustrating. However struggling through all the difficulties we finally were able to make our way to much loved place Sauraha.

We reached Sauraha really late but we were happy and excited never the less. As soon as we checked in we fell asleep only to wake up to the warm and wonderful morning next day.  Something inside made us feel that it was going to be a beautiful day ahead.

The 1^st thing we decided to do to start our wonderful holiday was by having lunch! We all were starving after going to bed without any dinner.  And after having a hearty meal we headed towards the clam river bank of Rapti river.

The simplicity of the river bank and the vast jungle on the other side was a splendor in itself. Sitting by the river side and consuming the nature at its glory felt like loosing ourselves in the soothing tranquility of meditation!

 All day long we sat by the calm river side of Rapti, sipping chilled beer under the warm sun. It was good to get away from the chilling temperature of Kathmandu to warm sun of Sauraha. Enjoying the peaceful environment and praising the nature was blissful! Laughing out with friends on stupid jokes or simply enjoying the canoe ride on the river or making impressions on sand and giggling like kids was silly yet it worked as some exotic spa or detoxifying method.

Watching the awesome sunset, the changing colors of skylines, getting mellow and coming up with beautiful lines for poems or simply staring at those people around us who were equally having fun, enjoying the moment and the views was merry enough to make us feel that there couldn't be any place better than this. 

We spend so many days not being able to appreciate what life/nature has to offer. We seldom find time to adore the beauty of this earth but finally being there and sinking into the powerful grip of nature was simply refreshing! Thinking about our hectic life but being glad that we made it so far and the hopes of going out on similar vacations in future made us feel so positive about life that I almost started to think that my life was perfect. I never have had any problems, I am happy; I always was and always will be! To find that inner peace was so divine, that for a moment I started to wish only this moment would never end. 

But end is inevitable, whether it is good or bad, the end is sure to come. So, after watching the sunset and having our dinner we headed off to our hotel room. As we were leaving early for k-town the other day we decided to go to the bed early. But when we reached our hotel we were informed that there was going to be a strike and no bus will be leaving tomorrow! Limited budget and no approved leaves remaining at work made us feel little stressed. But since we didn’t want to spoil the positive vibes we had felt that day we went to bed praying that the strike be cancelled by tomorrow.

On the 1st Jan 012 we woke up greeting each other a very Happy New Year. Feeling energized and happy about the trip we packed our bags and were ready to leave. But much to our dismay we were informed that there was a strike going on and we can’t leave. We argued that we were tourist and tourist buses were not hampered by the strikes as per the government policy. To our amazement we were told that only foreigners were considered in such situations. If any local tourists are seen in the bus, they will be asked to step down from the bus! WTH? Local tourism plays such a vital role in tourism yet we are treated like shit by our own people? This was so wrong. 

Although we were disappointed and furious at the situation there was nothing much we could do. So, letting it not ruin our spirits we decided to have fun anyway. So after having breakfast we started walking around the town. The heaviness within started to fade away when we started to crack jokes and laugh out so loud that people would stare at us as if we were bunch of freaks. Then we hired bicycles and started to enjoy the ride around the town. But before noon we were informed that the strike was cancelled and we were to take our bus by 12 noon as the tickets were already booked for the bus. With heavy heart we bid our goodbye to Sauraha.

It was a very unexpected yet awesome getaway! There were plenty of downers in this trip but I think those situations made it all the more special because with them memories were created!

Sauraha is a simple tourist destination but divine in its own way. I am so happy that I went to this place and spent few hours in peace. It gave me much needed calmness and strength. It gave me an opportunity to learn that you could get hit with so many disappointments and difficulties in life but the key to achievement is not letting those hurdles hold us behind.

A year ended and a new year has begun, similarly a phase of my life has ended and a new phase has begun. This phase is where I will be stronger and cherish each moments I get to live and never give up. Most importantly I have started to realize the importance of each and everyday! We get to live each day only once. Each day has its own way; there will be different situations and different ways for us to handle it. But the only right thing to do is to live each day to the fullest, be happy and appreciate the moments and not waste a single minute of our life being disappointed or sad.

I hope we all have fabulous year 2012!